For my entire adult life I have basically coasted by on very little planning or forethought. I’ve been “spontaneous” and “fun” according to those around me, but more often than I care to think about that’s landed me in some awful places. Straight up ignoring the fact that I’m spending more than I earn? Leaving the hard work of tidying up until “later” – knowing full well that even when I do tidy up it won’t last? Knowing that even if I start saving money there’ll still be some bill that will come up that will smash any accumulated nest egg?
I wasn’t playing a long game. I wasn’t capable of playing a long game. The fixes I’d put in place for the things that got me down were absolutely temporary. A band-aid on an open wound. What I’ve always lacked – thanks mostly to poor executive function – is an ability to dive deeper and find the root cause of my stress triggers. I’ve never had the capacity to really analyse my situation and find ways to permanently fix the things that constantly broke me. I was spending all of my available energy on surface fixes. A whole weekend spent cleaning my house from top-to-bottom, all the while building a more and more toxic relationship with organisation and tidiness.
“I hated that experience. I don’t want to do that again any time soon”.
So I didn’t. And three months later I’d be repeating the same cycle of shame-induced deep cleaning, leading to even more negative feelings about domesticity. Never quite realising that a little time spent regularly working on the root of the problem could solve these issues permanently.
So a funny thing happened on the way to finding myself. I got diagnosed with ADHD and I started taking medication.
I’ve had roughly six weeks of sitting with this information. Six weeks of feeling “cured” and ready to take on the world. Six weeks of being able to solve my crappy relationship with tidiness. Six weeks peppered with disappointment when I realise I’m not actually cured, and I still can’t do everything.
The very first problem I solved as a legit ADHDer was cleaning my kitchen. And keeping it clean. It wasn’t a particularly long or labourious task to start with – maybe two hours work? And it’s been a fairly easy one to keep on top of. 20 to 30 minutes per day and I’ve maintained it for over a month. So this is my new lived experience. This is the shining example I can hold myself to when taking on new tasks. I can do anything if I just leap into it and smash it out until it’s done. Yay! I’m cured!
Or not…
Cleaning my office was next. But oddly enough that got hard. Like, really hard. My office is a 2/10 in terms of tidiness. I have so much stuff in there. I also share my office with my kids. It’s their bedroom too. They only stay here every second weekend, but between my RC plane / drone hobby, my music, my gaming, my working and all of their various versions of the same thing… well it’s chaos, putting it lightly. There’s not enough hours in a weekend let alone a single day to solve this one. But then my counsellor asked me a really life-altering question:
“Do you have to get it completely clean right now?”
Um. What?
“Does it have to be a 10/10 on the cleanliness scale?”
Um… No?
“So get it to a 3 this week.”
It turns out that building a good habit around tidying up after myself is far more beneficial than absolutely blitzing my office – largely against my will. All that does is reinforce that old behaviour of building an ever more toxic relationship with cleanliness. So every day I give my desk a quick power clean. Every day I clear out all of the dishes of the day from coffee, water, snacks, lunch… And every day I can start my work day with a clean slate. The shelf above my desk is still crammed full of planes, drones, electronics, kids toys, music gear… but my working space, my thinking space is clear of all of that. Sure I have to tidy the rest at some stage, but once I have space to actually work my head becomes clear enough that I’m not overwhelmed by all the clutter. And that gives me the mental space I need to start planning how I’ll approach the rest of the job.
And that’s the crux of this whole thing. My house is tidier. My head is clearer. I finally have the space to actually start dealing with some of the underlying “stuff” that had made me the belligerent domestic failure that I was. I’ve recognised that I need a little guidance with this though, so I’ve started reading self help books.
Okay, so that sounds like a silly, goofy attempt at trying to be funny – and it sort of is – but it really is a massive leap forward for me. Medication has helped me clear my head and get on top of some of the regular daily tasks that I have to perform to help keep our house tidy. Couple that mental clarity with some fantastic counselling & coaching and a great to-do app and I finally feel like the space around me is clear enough to allow me to really think and focus for the first time in years.
But where to start?
I’ve finally finished Dirty Laundry (less self help so much as self-realisation in this one) and was looking for the next tome to absorb. What books have all my friends recommended to me over the years? What books could be useful to someone starting to build better habits? One title absolutely stands out. James Clear’s Atomic Habits.
I’ve only just finished chapter one, so I’m not about to extol the teachings of Mr. Clear just yet, but I’ve started the book. Step one complete.
As I understand it, the basic premise is that you start small. You improve 1% every day. Don’t try and smash out being a domestic god in one big leap. Tiny bites. Don’t break yourself by trying to be all the things all at once. Well… doesn’t that concept sound familiar? Turns out it’s not just a good read, but it totally aligns with where I’m at right now and where I want to be in the future.
Where I want to be in the future…
Hang on? Did I just say I want to be something… in the… future? Who on earth is this forward thinking guy? I think I like him.
I’m so intrigued to see where this leads me.
My ADHD Playlist 