Hypercrash

Hyperfocus. This is one of the first things I learned about ADHD. It describes our ability as ADHDers to lose ourselves to hobbies or research, forsaking everything around us, sometimes for hours at a time. It’s how I lose entire days to games, creating music and sometimes even to work. But it can come at a price.

Fridays in my workplace have just become “FedEx Fridays”. The theory is that we can put the “real work” aside and dive into some research around something else tech focused. To be a true FedEx Friday, a team or individual should ship a complete working piece of software or proof of concept within a single 24 hour period. I picked up on some of the ideas that were put down during a day long workshop on Thursday last week and on Friday I leapt into action on a solo project.

I’m kind of proud of what I achieved in an 8 hour work day. At the risk of losing some of you (skip ahead to the next paragraph if I’m boring you here): I set up a Node based WebSocket server running Prisma to interface with a SQLLite database, all written in TypeScript. At least half of that tech I’d never used before. I built a simple database schema for a real time messaging system, the idea being that an administrator could send a message directly to frontline staff using the software we build in our normal day-to-day work. I then created a feature branch for our actual software and started creating a way to interface with the WebSocket server, displaying system messages both historically from the database and live as messages are posted to the system. Fun!

Honestly this was hands down the most fun I’d had for months and was probably the most productive I’ve been for a while too. My counsellor even theorised that it felt a bit “naughty”. Almost like skiving off – which I tend to agree with – only adding to the excitement and scale of the dopamine hit. This was only reinforced by the fact I chose my own direction and didn’t tell anyone what I was up to. I did have some amount of sane sensible thought that day too though. I took a leaf out of James Clears book and dressed in my running gear as soon as I got up l, so I could just jet out at lunch time for a quick run. I achieved so much for one day, but what I didn’t do very well was manage myself.

At about 1145am I was ready for my run. But it wasn’t 1145am at all. You see, I’d fallen into hyperfocus mode and lost an entire morning and a small part of the afternoon. It was actually 1255 and I was 5 minutes away from a meeting. UGH.

So I attended said meeting until 2pm, knowing I absolutely HAD to go for a run after that. Which I did. As fast and as short as I possibly could (just 2km). I also knew I needed to eat. Which… I didn’t do. I leapt back into work promising myself sustenance “later”. Later never came. Well… not until almost 5pm but which stage I was absolutely exhausted and past caring about eating.

It’s good though, right? I managed to stay focused all day. I managed to build a thing I was super proud of, and when I showed my team today they were all pretty positive about the outcome I’d managed to achieve. WIN!

But it’s not good. Friday night I was basically a dribbling wreck. Nothing made sense. I couldn’t words any more. I couldn’t focus on any of the jobs around the house I had to do and I put them all off til Saturday. But guess what? I was still a wreck on Saturday. The most productive thing I did besides creating some music with my littlest ADHDer, was to play PS5 for a ridiculous length of time. Queen Bee called me on my inactivity at which point I leapt up and very badly did about 7 chores in a super hasty fashion. Not gonna lie, I cleaned our “guest” bathroom shower for the first time ever and immediately fell into a bad mood through all of the things that I didn’t get done. I knew then that it was my post-hyperfocus “hypercrash”.

That was when QB gave me the best advice she ever could:

“Everyone has days where they just can’t even. TELL me when you can’t. That’s okay”

“But I’m failing. I was better, and now I’m broken again”

“How many things did you get done today”

“[counts up all the chores he’s done] Uh… about 7”

“A year ago, that would have taken you FOUR days. And you did it in one evening”.

WOW.

So my inner voice is at it again. Not only have I managed an unplanned experiment with excessive hyperfocus, I’ve done nothing but beat myself up over it. But I learned something. And that’s the critical bit. Hyperfocus absolutely is an ADHD super power. It’s phenomenal how much we can get done when we leap down the rabbit hole. But it has to be tempered. I have to be more aware of when I’m doing it. Discovering I’ve been sitting at my desk for 7.5 hours straight is NOT the time to figure out what’s happened, because the next 24 hours are going to be sooooo rough. Both my counsellor and my big-boy guide (eldest son) likened it to a hard night out on the town. Sure it’s fun, sure there are rewards, but at the cost of spending the next 24 hours with a hang over… is it worth it?

This whole experience formed the summary of my FedEx Friday presentation to my team on Tuesday morning. I demoed my software and then told them the exact cost that amount of output had on me personally. How my hyperfocus had drained my executive function tank. I love my team. They make me feel safe and I feel better knowing that I’ve shared so openly with them so they know what I’m going through.

Next time we do FedEx Friday my goal is to put some structure in place. We’re either going to work on something as a team, or at the very least I’m going to rope one of them into being an accountability buddy and check in every hour or so to make sure I’m taking breaks and looking after myself.