ADHD symptoms 101 – Object permanence

What is ADHD?

That’s a really big question, and I couldn’t cover it in a single post even if I wanted to. So I’m going to try and break it down into a bunch of different posts about some of the things I personally struggle with. I’m starting today with object permanence.

ADHD includes a big old bucket of all sorts of symptoms and as ADHD-ers we all suffer from a wide range of these symptoms to varying degrees. It’s not something that can be described in a simple one-size-fits all kind of a way – we’re all a bit different to each other. I guess at the heart of it though we all have some amount of trouble with “executive function”.

“Executive who?”

Well, that’s our ability as humans to do… pretty much anything that requires any kind of planning and forethought. It’s something that an ADHDer is just not wired to do well. But even that’s a very simplistic summary. Some of us are less impacted by this and at times we can even be good with these sorts of things too.

Our struggles with executive function are the primary cause of us getting labelled with the words “lazy” or “underachiever”. But I can assure you, we’re not that. My counsellor pointed out to me in our very first session that the extra level of effort required on my part to function essentially less efficiently than a neurotypical person meant I was working harder for less perceivable gain.

“And how is that lazy, Bren?”

And to add to that little bombshell – what little executive function we have as ADHDers is a finite resource. The harder we work at things that others can just do, the less is left in our executive function tank.

But I digress slightly… The point I’m trying to get to here is that ADHD is a massive minefield. Primarily, I write this journal / blog / website to help me process my thoughts and to aid me in navigating this world I suddenly find myself in. But I also want to educate the rest of the world on what it’s like living with ADHD. The problem is there’s JUST. SO. MUCH. TO. COVER. So like I said above, let’s start with just one thing shall we? And then I can swing back around to tell you about more of my daily challenges later.

What is object permanence?

Folks with ADHD suffer from can suffer from a wonderful thing called object permanence. It’s one of the many, many things I didn’t realise about ADHD until I started exploring the possibility that I had ADHD myself. And I’ve got to say, it’s probably one of the weirdest and most fascinating things I’ve ever learned about the way my neurodivergent brain works.

“Ok you’ve said it’s name like 17 times now. What is it?”

Simply put: if I can’t see something right in front of me, I’m probably going to completely forget it exists for a while.

A thing, a place, a task that needs doing… It’s the main reason why things take me months to check off my to-do list. Let’s say I need to hang a new shelf on the wall in the spare room at home. The spare room is off the end of our hallway in a spot that I very rarely go. I can walk into the room to use my 3D printer, see the shelf sitting on the floor and say “yes. I am going to hang that shelf tomorrow!” But then I won’t go in the room for another week… and the shelf will still be there on the floor. I’m not travelling past it regularly, so as far as my brain is concerned it simply ceases to exist. Actually, I barely even remember the room exists most of the time. I struggle with the executive function that allows me to recall that this task needs completing until I’m visually reminded of it again.

This also works for any items on a “mental to-do list” for me too. My mental to-do list is like a big shopping bag that I throw “things what must be did” into – except it’s made of cheese cloth with a couple of gaping holes in it. Oh and all the tasks in it are made of liquid and pretty much everything eventually drains out of it. If I don’t write it down or add it to a digital list, it’s never going to happen, because I will never “see” it again.

I know. It doesn’t sound very plausible. I almost didn’t believe it when I first heard about it, but it’s actually very real, and it’s a thing neurotypical folks just don’t struggle with in the same way that I do – nor is it something that they really understand. It’s so much more than just a poor memory.

Now, the really weird and interesting thing – in fact the whole point of this post – is this: object permanence applies to all things in my life. Not just objects and tasks, but people too. It makes me really shit at staying in touch with my nearest and dearest.

I’m the kind of person who would have told you once upon a time that “I find it difficult to make friends”. But then I discovered object permanence and how it plays into my relationships. It turns out I don’t actually find it difficult to make friends at all, I find it difficult to keep friends. And not because they’re terrible people or I fall out with them, just because I don’t do well with keeping in touch. I always assumed that was because it was me that was the terrible human being, but actually – it’s because people straight up disappear into thin air!

It’s a little bit like playing a reeeeally long and drawn out game of peek-a-boo, where I’m the toddler, and you – just by getting on with your life – are the adult with your hands over your face. For months at a time.

I’m not sure exactly how or why this works, and I’m even less sure how to navigate through this sudden realisation. There’s certainly a whole bunch of shame attached to my inability to even remember my friends and family existed for so long. My immediate first instinct was to contact as many people as I could think of (and there were QUITE a few that just magically popped back in my head once I was medicated!!) and tell them: “I have ADHD. And you’ve been invisible. Wanna do lunch?”

That has been hugely rewarding as I’ve started touching base with folks that I hadn’t seen in forever, those that I swore I was “going to catch up with” but hadn’t. And generally people have been super cool about it. I’ve had at least a few “well duh!” responses when I’ve told people about my diagnosis (my friends are amazing!)

People contact fuels me. I crave the social connection. Problem is, catching up with everyone I’ve suddenly remembered in the immediate future is just… not very sustainable. My list is VERY LARGE. I just can’t spend my every waking hour messaging everyone individually to explain my diagnosis and to book lunch dates – as much as I’d love to. You see, I’m also trying to break my really unhealthy dependency on my phone as a dopamine dispensing machine. Oh and remember how I said that the harder I work on the things that neurotypical folks can just do, the more I use up my finite resource of executive function? Yup. Unfortunately, all that organising around being social can also drain me completely.

So if we haven’t caught up in a while and you’re reading this article because I sent you a link with little to no explanation as to why, then I’m deeply sorry for the prolonged radio silence. I don’t hate you. You are important to me. I haven’t forgotten you. Okay, well… I have forgotten you, but I’m trying to be better!

I’m probably not going to get to everyone any time soon. I joke about being Superman now, but that’s not actually true. I can’t actually travel faster than the speed of sound, or turn back time to fit you all in. I accept that some things are still impossible for me. I’ve just got a lot of catching up to do.

I do care about you and I’m here for a yarn whenever you’re ready too.